Luigi, I'm 64, soon to be 65. No worries. This is SOOOO normal. I can tell you that passing through menopause changed my life completely. Emotionally I feel like a ten year old with a smile on my face and knowing the "drama" is mostly behind me. Now when I get confused by situations I -:
Number 1 - go to my blog on MOL,
Number 2 - appreciate the responses from the loving caring people here.
and Number 3 - go back to enjoying what I enjoy about my life, mapping my life as I go. I don't do years at a time. 30 days out, 2 years out, is good enough for me. :-D

All I can say is this. Better 40-something woman than teen-something girl. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back to those years. :O

But, yes, it's a weird time indeed.

luigi said:

Here is the scary part- if at the end, if you have no courage, no force behind you, and no options do you go through this experience and go back to "normal?"

I would say I don't live on my "wishbone" I live on my "backbone." (To kinda quote the author of "Eat, Pray, Love.")

If I truly listen to myself I learned that I do have courage, I do have a force behind me, and I am the one who chooses what is normal for me.

lisat said:

I found the book, Before the Change, to be helpful. A couple of recommendations included having thyroid checked and taking magnesium among many others.

True that. There really is help to get through this time. And girls, it may be as awkward as being a teenage girl, but my experience, as I said, the other side of it is a pleasure. Not so much like a twenty year old with no experience *of my life. Being in my 60's with my experience * of my life is my BEST decade ever!

edited to say * of my life.

My idea of "living on my backbone,":

Well, a consideration for normal for "you" might be a possibility. Sometimes we get off track and don't feel like our normal selves.

The best part about my age (nearly 58) is not caring so much what others thing, particularly other women. I hate to say it, but there's such a tendency for women to gang up on each other over bake sales, child rearing, clothing etc. benignly or not so benignly. After about 45, I learned to just walk away from their kerfuffles and antics. The inner reflection is a good thing, and to me reminds you that life is too short to waste on crap, unproductive relationships of any kind. Easier said than lived, but I try.

Luigi:

Every stage of life has its challenges. Just wait until you are facing retirement ... :)

I think it is wonderful that you are able to engage in intense self-reflection. So many of us never do get to this important state in our lives. If you truly get to know yourself and are not afraid to identify the positives and negatives in your life, everything will work out for the better. Re negatives: some of these can be turned around with time, effort, and possibly some redirection. Others cannot. Learn to recognize which are which and you will do just fine.

joan crystal said:

Luigi:

Every stage of life has its challenges. Just wait until you are facing retirement ... :)

I think it is wonderful that you are able to engage in intense self-reflection. So many of us never do
get to this important state in our lives. If you truly get to know yourself and are not afraid to identify the positives and negatives in your life, everything will work out for the better. Re negatives: some of these can be turned around with time, effort, and possibly some redirection. Others cannot. Learn to recognize which are which and you will do just fine.

Really great advice. Some aspects of my life were addressed and improved.

shell2 said:

hey right there with you.. it is a time for exploration... your kids are older and you now have more time for yourself. Life altering changes sounds exciting, on the other hand at least in my life it still has to be balanced with paying the bills .... we do live in MSO!!!

This is where I am. After thirty years, I feel like I know what I want to be when I grow up with more certainty than before. But my kids will be going to college in the next few years and there are bills to pay. So making bold changes, e.g., returning to college for an additional degree or certification is probably not in the cards for awhile anyway. At least I have finally decided that I don't want to go to law school.

Oh, something else I have found very, very helpful during this period of time is Oona from Whole Foods. It has black cohosh and other herbs. However, it is good to read about it and decide whether it is for you. It is a natural estrogen and has a natural progesterone, too. This has some docs freaking out. But studies have been done and I would suggest researching it for yourself. For me, it has been very beneficial.

I was just reading the Happy Healthy Long Life Blog:
http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2012/02/happy-groundhog-day.html

She comments on the movie Groundhog Day and cites a column by Ellen Goodman written back in 1993. The column discusses the movie as it pertains to many of the themes of midlife. It spoke to me, and I thought I would share.


"Here's what Ellen Goodman had to say back in 1993:

"What would you do if you woke up in the same place and every day was the same?

For most people, middle age is a little bit like that. It's long past the time of life when most of us were building our careers, beginning our families and nesting.

It's the maintenance stage when an extraordinary amount of energy is going to upkeep - keeping up the commitments you have. One morning inevitably looks a lot like the one before it.....
But in real life, those of us who do not want to start over in the middle face a different test of renewal. Daily renewal. Getting up in the same place, doing the same things - only making it matter.
So we have to figure out how to make the best of what we have.

Making the best of what we have....is not second best. It is rather, a demand for active engagement in caring for what and whom we value.
That is what's touching about Groundhog Day. Our trapped weatherman has to learn this the hard way. His life is reduced to one inescapable day. It's the entire deck he's been dealt, the allotment of flowers he can arrange, the cast of characters in his life.

He goes through stages of feeling trapped, depressed, and living as if there's no tomorrow. He finally comes to the not-so-profound-but-still-pretty-rare realization that he can change his world by changing himself.
..it's about making the best of what you have...over and over. Making small repairs and improvements so that the commitments of midlife--the work you do and people you love--don't become a trap. They become and remain the town in which you choose to live even when you have options."

Love this thread. Turned 45 yesterday. Quite an interesting time. Sometimes I feel at peace with who I am, and other times I feel like jumping out of my skin. In other words, lots of reflection going on, but often not enough time to think through all of it. For me it is a journey, but not one of re-invention, rather one of re-aquaintance.

Cats can live 21 years?!

cynicalgirl said:

The best part about my age (nearly 58) is not caring so much what others thing, particularly other women. I hate to say it, but there's such a tendency for women to gang up on each other over bake sales, child rearing, clothing etc. benignly or not so benignly. After about 45, I learned to just walk away from their kerfuffles and antics. The inner reflection is a good thing, and to me reminds you that life is too short to waste on crap, unproductive relationships of any kind. Easier said than lived, but I try.

Wise words cynical. Have decided in the past year that thats exactely whats needed in my life and since my kids are in their 20's I have a shot at changing my life and do what I truly love instead of what I have to do. This is the "time of change" in a womans life but that doesnt mean those changes can't be liberating and self fulfilling. Heading out tomorrow at 6am for another wiff of my new life.

Hey it might be a mistake but I wont know unless I try right?

I guess one of the things that I find so odd/troubling is that everything is as close to perfect as I could have ever hoped for... and yet i have a sense of longing that can be so strong that it is almost overpowering...I am TRYING SO HARD to figure out what I long for ....I have some ideas but then I wonder if they are real. I guess what has me feeling bewitched these days is that I do not recognize they way I am thinking. My thoughts and emotions seem foreign and are not typical of me so I am having a hard time figuring out what to do with them or how seriously to take them.

luigi, remember the movie where that woman left her husband in England and went to Greece, had an affair on a Greek island, decided to stay, became a waitress, and finally her husband came without an invitation and asked her to come home? I think she may have been feeling similarly to you. I think it may have something to do with our stage in life, brain chemistry, hormones, etc.

luigi, do you have a list of things you might be longing for? If not, writing them down might be illustrative. Try some brainstorming of some type. You may need to get away to do this.

lisat, that movie was Shirley Valentine. Excellent, excellent movie.

its not just women...its guys too. If one believes that ignorance is bliss (as it sometimes is), then the opposite sometimes holds true. If you live life on the surface, it may seem all nice and stuff, and it is how many go through life, and it certainly can be blissful...but it does lack depth. But when you penetrate the surface and dig down a bit, its not always comfortable, but its worth exploring because its you...we should never stop learning and developing, right? Personal development and understanding and exploration isnt always pretty, but it feels more thorough, more complete. The crisis is to not delve, to not experience life. I agree what someone said, and others have reinforced...find joy in the things you do...take pleasure in them. Dont do things because of some checklist or bucketlist..do them because you derive happiness from them...life isnt a to do list. One other thing I think is important is not to beat yourself up over past decisions or paths taken...that is water under the bridge and cant be changed...and past decisions are made for reasons. Enjoy the journey, make the most of it, even if you have to strap in for it.

feel free to use it...and no need to credit me..its all because of my team of writers.

Hank, really wise and very appreicated comments.
It reminds me of the phrase, "The unexamined life is not worth living." and its retort "The examined life aint' no picnic."

I have to be honest Hank Z....I find your comments contradictory and slightly less wise than I'm used to from you. First you imply that ignorance is not bliss, and for life to have depth it must be examined.....and then you say, meh, water under the bridge, have no regrets etc. Well, dont you need to learn from mistakes, don't you need to examine your past to have an informed, intentional, authentic, future?

Agreed. But I think you need to look at it before you move on.

So true.